But then I thought, when was the last time I actually sat through an entire film fest? Sure, I've caught one or two movies over the years, but I've never actually tried to watch all of the films they show in a particular year at one go. Maybe I was wrong all this time. Maybe there's a treasure trove of mind-blowing classics waiting to be discovered and I was just being a bourgeois snob. So I decided 2011 would be the year I was going to watch ALL the film fest movies.
Which I failed, but not from lack of trying. I managed to catch five out of seven, which is probably more than most, so I'm still proud. In the same way that a woman who went through a caesarean section without anesthesia would be proud of herself. So let's get through this minefield of horror. Bear with me, this will be long. And rather unpleasant.
First off, Ang Panday 2. I didn't watch the first movie, but it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, this chap called Lizardo attacks all these villages, and Panday uses his magic sword to fuck him up real good. So he dies in the first movie and peace returns to the land. The second movie starts, I kid you not, with a fucking witch on a broom flying through the air, cackling. As in, the generic Western witch with a hook nose, wild hair, warts, green skin and a pointy hat. Why this should be in a Filipino movie, God knows. She then proceeds to... resurrect Lizardo. So he can attack a bunch of villages until Panday uses his magic sword to fuck him up real good. See where I'm going here? They're basically telling the exact same story they did in the first movie. Because we moviegoers are apparently so stupid, we won't notice. God.Anyway, Panday returns to his village from his first adventure, where everyone keeps talking about his sword, which he seems to have become too dependent on, to the consternation of his lolo. Lolo, who always looks like he's either going to burst into tears or have an aneurysm, tells Panday off about this, especially during a scene where Panday yells at these kids who live with him for playing with his sword. Let me break this down for you: Three dumb kids are playing with a sharp, dangerous, magic sword, which could kill them or others, and Panday gets in trouble for telling them off. This scene is apparently a big deal, because they spend about ten minutes going on about it. I thought this would actually develop into an interesting subplot where Panday realizes he needs to depend on himself, not his sword, for power, but it completely disappears midway into the film.
This is a movie where things happen just because. A band of men attack Panday's village because, somehow their village has run out of women. So they decide to take the women in the next village because, what the hell. Panday and his men set out to track down Lizardo after he attacks their village and kidnaps their women, after which they promptly desert him after some of them die during an attack. They blame him instead of, you know, the villain who sent the actual man-killing beasties after them. A former ally appears, aids him, then inexplicably turns evil and tries to steal the sword, just because. These are things we're supposed to just accept, because to think too much about them would cause the movie to fall apart.
One can't help but notice the phallic imagery surrounding Panday and his sword. A woman passing him wipes her hanky on his sword, a la the Black Nazarene, while it's sheathed periliously close to his penis, to apparently pick up some of its power. When the aforementioned bandits attack his village, Panday brandishes his big sword, which becomes erect, I mean extends to a long length, thereby striking fear in the hearts of the bandits, whose (ahem) swords are so much smaller than his. Sigh. This is a 45-year-old Senator of the Republic, acting in scenes like this. Panday then declares to the bandits, "Ang babae, hindi ninanakaw, minamahal." I'll wait for you while you contemplate the condescending sexism of that line.
Done? Ok. Later on, Panday's pet dragon is revealed to actually be a woman, Marian Rivera, from a race of beings called ragona with the ability to transform into dragons. This freaks me out because apparently, in the first movie, the dragon is just a dragon throughout, with no sign of anything special. It's like finding out your beloved dog of many years who you've played with, cuddled, and cleaned up after is actually a super-fine woman who then comes on to you. Would you pounce? Really?
Meanwhile, Lizardo has his hands on Iza Calzado, Panday's girlfriend, who he scooped up with all the other women he kidnapped during his attacks. Apparently, he has it bad for her, leading him to declare, "Maaaring kay Flavio (Panday) ang iyong puso, pero akin ang katawan mo!" or words to that effect. He then throws her on a bed, licks her with a snake tongue and the scene fades to black. But wait! He only needed her blood, because as a fairy, Iza's blood can apparently rejuvenate him. That's good because I thought he was, you know, going to rape her. The scene certainly implied as much initially.
If you've been paying attention, you'll notice a disturbing theme. The women are basically in this movie to be kidnapped, while the men fight over them like things. You'd think that at least Marian is a badass dragon who'll be spared this indignity, but even she gets kidnapped in the end as bait for Panday.
But first, Marian takes them to her village of ragonas, who had previously cast her out for being aggressive. You see, these are huge motherfucking, ferocious, fire-breathing, pacifist dragons. They allow them to stay, but Marian's sister gets jealous of the attention she's getting and decides to steal Panday's sword and hand it over to Lizardo, to get back at her.
It's around this point that I... fell asleep. I kid you not. This movie was getting so boring I couldn't will myself awake anymore. When I woke up a few minutes later, Iza Calzado had somehow already been killed, conveniently opening the way for Panday to be able to have dragon-sex with Marian if he so chooses.
Lizardo shows up with the sword and, just as you think, "Oh no, how will he fight now?" Panday simply calls to it and it flies out of Lizardo's hand. Problem solved. Dramatic tension murdered. Lizardo then kills Marian's mother and sister and (sigh) kidnaps her. This motivates the ragonas to throw aside years of pacifism to join in the dramatic final fight.
The ragonas are joined by Panday's villagers, who just reappear without explanation after having deserted him. Panday drops down in a random desert and yells at the sky for Lizardo to fight him, instead of, I don't know, storming his stronghold or something. Lizardo then appears and sucks him into another dimension, transforming into a Clash-of-the-Titans-rip-off giant (and I'm sure you saw this picture on Facebook):
Panday somehow manages to get him to let go of Marian, who transforms into a dragon, which he then rides into Lizardo's mouth and drives his sword through his head, killing him. This fight lasted all of five minutes. I don't know who was more bored, Panday or myself.
Panday and Marian acknowledge their feelings for each other, but then state they can't act on them. Why? I thought Iza was dead. But wait, her dead body is shown with the belly suddenly swelling. Ergo, Panday reveals himself to be a true Revilla, managing to get the dragon-girl to fall for him while simultaneously knocking up a dead chick. All class.
Panday ends the movie by standing atop a hill and announcing how he would sacrifice his personal life all for the sake of God and country. I can't help but think, is this a declaration you want to run for the presidency in 2016 Senator Revilla? Has this entire movie been one big propaganda spiel? I suddenly want to take a shower and scrub myself hard; I feel used and dirty.
The effects are not terrible, but the sight of Bong Revilla dressed up in skin-tight outfits is disturbing. If I wanted to see the baktong and bilbil of a middle-aged man, I'd go stand outside a jeepney terminal and look for some drivers. This I did not need to see. Philip Salvador's over-the-top, lecherous, making-faces, constantly-cackling acting as Lizardo was also quite laughable. I didn't actually realize it was him until the movie started. I thought, from the poster, it was this guy:
Damn Philip. You got fat.
Throughout the movie, the witch from the beginning appears, watching events, but not helping Lizardo and basically doing nothing of any consequence, except to announce how she finds killing fun. When Lizardo bites it, she cackles loudly and transforms into Lorna Tolentino. And this, my friends, is the true horror. Because this happened at the end, it is obvious set up for... Panday 3. Fuck.
We leave this horror and move on to an actual horror movie, Segunda Mano. This latest gasp at relevance for Kris Aquino is about how she, a dowdy, boring, manang type suddenly enters into a relationship with single-dad-stud Dingdong (God, that name is hilarious) Dantes, only to be haunted by his wife, who apparently left him, but might actually be dead and a vengeful ghost out to keep them from boinking.Kris lives with her mom, a bitter old woman still traumatized over the drowning death of Kris' younger sister years ago (which Kris inadvertently caused herself). This screwed-up dynamic has transformed Kris into The Most Boring Person on Earth, whose days consist of running her antique shop (inexplicably located in Westgate Alabang), then going home to have silent dinners with her mom, when they're not visiting the shore where her sister drowned, or consulting a psychic to contact her spirit. The only color in her life is her slutty friend who (1) talks at the top of her voice, (2) dresses like a hooker and (3) encourages her to buy expensive, unnecessary crap like designer clothes and bags. How these two are friends, God knows, but the friend serves a specific purpose: to show everyone how good Kris is (because the friend is so bad).
One day, walking through the rain, Kris gets splashed with water by Dingdong's car. He feels bad, and gives her a ride home. For some bizarre reason, he finds himself drawn to this manang and starts to date her. I think it's implied that he's always dealt wth sluts, so Kris, in full-on old-maid mode, appeals to him. Meanwhile, more and more sightings of the wife, Angelica Panganiban, occur in Kris' vicinity, leading her to ask if she really just left, as Dingdong says, or is actually dead and trying to kill her.
Eventually, Kris decides to vamp it up, buying a new dress and bag, which turn out to be Angelica's. Apparently this ghost leaves designer things for you, which makes her the best ghost ever! People around Kris soon start dropping dead and, when she confronts Dingdong, he reveals some childhood trauma about losing his dad to suicide over a cheating stepmom, as well as him not liking her new duds. When she tries to leave him, he kidnaps her mom, forcing her into a final showdown, which she drives to in (get this) Angelica's ghost car. Somehow, Angelica gets this car to Kris' slutty friend as some sort of warning to her. I kid you not, the car flickers in and out of existence as Kris drives it; I wanted to burst out laughing.
Anyone with half a brain would by now have spotted the twist: Dingdong is the psycho killing everyone because he's damaged and jealous, and his wife's ghost has simply been trying to warn Kris. Inexplicably, she also turns out to be Kris' presumed dead younger sister. How convenient. Anyway, Kris and Dingdong then engage in a knock-out, drag-out brawl, with Angelica helping to finally put him down. Which begs the question of why her ghost didn't kill him immediately after he'd offed her. But yes, I know, that's pulling at strings and all. But this scene was fun if only because it helped me indulge my fantasy of beating the crap out of Kris Aquino. I dare you to watch this part and not cheer.
Kris spends most of the movie looking constipated and about to burst into tears, while doing her damndest to look as meek and unassertive as possible. It's fucking annoying and makes it very hard to sympathize with her. Meanwhile, poor Angelica is reduced to a prop, as just the scary thing that grabs at people. She must have had less than ten lines in the whole movie. Surely she deserves more than this. Dingdong is the only one who turns out a halfway decent performance in the movie, but then I can't really be sure. Maybe he just seems good in comparison to everyone else, because they were all deadly dull. All in all, this movie was the definition of a snoozefest.
Next up, My Househusband (Ikaw Na!), which I though had potential, from the concept, but even this turned out to be disappointing. Ryan Agoncillo is married to Judy Ann Santos and has two kids. They live an idyllic upper-middle-class life until he quits his job as a bank manager, rather than accept a lower position after his bank merges with another. Juday is forced to pick up the slack and accept a full time position in an insurance company, which she previously only worked for part time. This creates tension in the emascualated male (aw, kawawa naman) while also providing many "hilarious" opportunities to show the man doing "housewife" chores. I'm so thrilled.First off, none of the characters or their settings are sympathetic. I expected a regular middle-class family, with Juday taking a mid-level job that most of the moviegoers are probably in and will be able to relate to. Instead, the two are both executives and own a house in this bizarre American-style suburban development that looks like nothing I've seen in Manila. They own two cars and, when they're not in their super-posh house, they seem to wander entirely around the super-posh Westgate Alabang, hardly representative of Manila. Tension is set off, not because Ryan has to take over from Juday while she works, but because their maid has to go on leave. Aw, your servant has gone and now you have to clean? However will you survive?
Eventually, everything is neatly resolved. Just before Ryan decides to migrate to Canada, a friend offers him a big job. Some fake tension ensues when Juday refuses to give up her job (where she's already a top executive after just a few short months, good golly), but this is conveniently resolved when the maid returns, allowing them both the freedom to work. Is this even an issue? How many couples manage to both work at the same time? I imagine a number of them watching laughed at the inanity of this scene.
The movie was even duller than Segunda Mano, saved only by the presence of Eugene Domingo. Eugene, as the nosy neighbor who is shunned by everyone except Ryan for being the kabit of an old man, is, as usual, hilarious. But I think this has more to do with her being a superb comedian rather than anything to do with the movie's script. A surprising part of the movie was Francine Prieto, in a completely unremarkable bit role as a chismosa neighbor. Didn't she used to be the star in movies before? Why is she doing stuff like this? She is joined by two other nosy neighbors, who always seem to be on the verge of fumbling their lines. One of them actually does, and this is kept onscreen, instead of being edited out. Hello? Did no one notice this? Did no one order a take two? How sloppy. Annoying as well are the musical cues that come on throughout the movie, as if to remind the viewers, "O, this is a funny scene, laugh na" or "Drama naman to, be sad for Juday and Ryan". This was a movie that didn't know what it wanted to be, being neither funny enough to be called a comedy, nor serious enough to be called a drama. Entirely forgettable.
I actually watched two other movies before I watched these three, but I wanted to save the best (worst) for the last. And lest you think I coughed up hundreds of pesos to watch these horrors, I was saved from doing so by a good friend who scored us these honeys:
Free tickets! You know who you are. Thanks for saving my wallet and my soul from having to live with actually paying for all these movies. If I'd had to pay for all five, instead of just the three that I did, I don't know if I'd manage to look myself in the mirror.
Up next, Enteng ng Ina Mo. And if you think the title is witty, well that's all that is. The concept of this movie is shameless, coming on the heels of last year's Si Agimat at Si Enteng. Basically, instead of coming up with something new and fresh, the people behind the waning franchise of Enteng Kabisote have decided to just combine their movie with whatever other franchise is willing to take them. Lazy lazy lazy. Tsk.While Ai Ai bemoans the death of her latest husband, Enteng is apparently pissed with Faye because she decides to stay in Encantasya to deal with her evil aunt Satana (oooh, subtle), who's kidnapped her mother. Exactly why Enteng would be pissed that his wife wants to fight off a great evil and save her people from death, I have no idea. Personally, if I were him, I would have supported her very brave actions.
He leaves in a huff and Satana, seeing an opportunity, possesses a stunning-looking Pauleen Luna and uses her to drug Enteng with a love potion, to make him forget Faye and fall in love with the next person he sees. And who else would that be but Ai Ai?
A series of cheesy date montages ensue, while tension between Ai Ai's kids and Enteng increases. Meanwhile, Enteng's kids realize he's magically addled and sort him out. When he reveals he's married and apologizes to Ai Ai, she breaks down, especially since she thought he was going to propose. Now, in a world that isn't mad, everything could have just ended there and we would have been spared further crap. But somehow, Ai Ai turns out to be the key to bringing down Satana, so she has her kidnapped. Enteng, his kids and Ai Ai's kids then band together to rescue their respective moms (Faye has, by this time, also been kidnapped by Satana), and bring the bitch down. I forget how they do this exactly. Like, I literally cannot remember how they defeated Satana and her henchmen. This latter part of the movie is that forgettable.
This movie makes me sad, because I remember watching the first Tanging Ina, and thinking it was both genuinely funny and heart-warming. To see it reduced to this crap is depressing. Eugene Domingo is also in this movie and, again, is a bright spot in this morass, but even she can't save it. At the very least, the encantadas had nice costumes. But Ai Ai's bizarre outfits throughout were incredibly distracting. The final straw for me was her magical battle gear, where she was transformed into a warrior fighting with a... pot cover as a shield and a soup ladle as a sword. This pointless slapstick is representative of the entire movie, a waste of time.
And finally, we get to the big one, the grand master of the film fest, the one everyone has been talking about, whether in delight, or in horror, or in delight over how horrifying it was (that would be me) - Manila Kingpin: The Untold Story of Asiong Salonga.Now, let's establish a few facts: Asiong Salonga's life has been made into a movie four times. The last one also starred Jorge Estregan, who produces and stars in this latest remake. Jorge Estregan is the governor of Laguna and is 48 years old. Got that? Good.
It's important to establish these facts because Asiong Salonga, during the events depicted in the film, is supposed to be only 27 years old. And since this movie has been done three times before, why make a fourth? It becomes apparent then that this movie is entirely a vanity project designed to make the honorable governor, who probably no one wants to use as the star of a film anymore, look cool and allow him to mack on some (much) younger girls. Which is a fucking unsettling sight to behold, I kid you not.
Asiong is a new gang leader, who sets about to establish himself as the new siga in Tondo. This mainly involves him getting into a lot of poorly choreographed fights with other gang leaders. Now the movie made a big deal of pointing out they'd hired a choreographer from Thailand to do the fights, so I take it they're actually proud of these poorly executed scenes. But I don't know how much of it is the choreographer's fault; when you're working with 40+ year old guys trying to act like they're 20+, there's only so much serviceable fighting you can wring out of them, I guess.
Eventually, Asiong ends up in jail, where he meets Jay Manalo, the jail mayor, who I know is much younger than him. So for me to hear Jay call him "bata", and for him to respond "po" sent me into fits of laughter. But even that did not prepare me and my friends for the knife fight scene that followed. Imagine your lolo and another lolo in a knife fight, uncoordinated, clumsy, and laughably so. This is what the scene looked like. I really can't do it justice, except to say that, by this time, me and my friends gave up trying to suppress our giggling and just burst out laughing for about ten minutes. Tears were streaming down my face, I was laughing that hard. This one scene illustrates the absurdity of the entire movie, and how one should react to it.
Asiong manages to get out of jail and almost immediately goes back to his gangster ways, despite the fact that he now has two kids with his long-suffering wife. This leads to his eventual assassination by a member of his own crew selling him out, played by Baron Geisler, of course. I mean, who else would you get to play an asshole? Baron does in the movie what he does best - look like he's either about to get into a fight or rape someone.
And speaking of rape, how about the maltreatment of the women characters here? Carla Abellana is completely useless as Asiong's wife, there to just whine and look worried, and mind his home while he has a string of affairs. I'd say she was a bad actress, but then she managed to keep from shuddering while the 48 year old Jorge Estregan planted many, many, many kisses on her cheeks, lips, neck... God. In one flashback to their wedding, when he's about to kiss her, he's already opening his mouth wide as he leans in, looking quite excited. Imagine those old men you see in the girly bars feeling up poor, young things working there. This is what it feels like watching Jorge and Carla. When she's not being mauled by the lecher, she's quietly serving him and his friends drinks, before leaving the room (as is her place, you know), or threatening his kabit instead of him when she finds out he's cheating. Valerie Concepcion also makes an appearance as another Asiong girl, where she gets the thrill of having him slurp all over her neck while she appears super-sweaty. The aforementioned kabit, played by someone I've never seen before, has the honor of being the first one Asiong visits out of jail, instead of, you know, his frickking wife and kids, because he wants to get laid. This movie is a paen to sexism of the worst kind. It's 2011/12 na, come on. At least be subtle if you're going to be this sexist.
Asiong's funeral procession (which includes all his women, God) is then set upon by other gangsters. His remaining crew and his policeman brother, played by Philip Salvador, then engage in a shoot out to the tune of Mad World. Philip is not as over-the-top here as he was in Panday 2 but, come on, he just turns on his policeman duties to shoot it out for his lawbreaker brother? I don't know Asiong Salonga's real story, but did this really happen?
The movie does get points for effort. Thought was obviously put into sets, locations and costumes (although it escapes me why Asiong's gang were all wearing very modern Chuck Taylors). And John Regala as the big bad of the movie was very good, so good, in fact, that he deserved to be in an entirely different movie, instead of suffering through this one. And there are two creative and unintentionally hilarious shoot-out scenes, one involving a kalesa chase (yes, frickking kalesas), and another involving Ketchup Eusebio trying to shoot while riding a bike in the rain. But everything else was terrible. Hearing that Jorge Estregan was upset he didn't win best actor was hilarious. He has only one expression throughout the movie - looking entirely bewildered. He must be on something if he thinks that merits an award.
To read a more in depth, not to mention hilarious review, check this one out, written by the other friend with me who braved this movie.
You'd think I wouldn't recommend this film, but you'd be wrong. Please, watch it. Buy a fake DVD. Or a real one, if they bother to release it. Torrent it. Whatever. People must see this. I know it was billed as some sort of action-drama, but it is a comedy, I insist. Watch it as such, you will be entertained by the absurdity. Besides, I refuse to have suffered alone. I must inflict this movie on you all. For being the worst film fest movie, I must paradoxically declare it the best movie. It's so bad, it's good. But it's really bad.
Now, after braving those five, can you really blame me for missing the last two? I did try, but I missed the showing times when I went to catch them on the last day. And that day also being my birthday, I decided to spend it with people I love, instead of making an effort to endure more horror.
All in all, the film fest has confirmed everything that I believed about it from before. Either the movies are entirely forgettable or are actively horrible. Not to mention, the number of politicians in film roles throughout makes me think they just use this film fest to promote themselves. And speaking of promotion, there was an inordinate (not to mention shameless) amount of product placement throughout, from Enteng ng Ina Mo, which had Ai Ai out of the blue experiencing joint pain and reaching for a brand of painkiller she endorses, to her kids conspicuously passing around a brand of cheese spread during breakfast, to My Househusband, which sees Ryan and some others drinking a brand of brandy and even working its tagline into their dialogue.
Furthermore, this year's movies seem to carry on a conspicuous theme of pairing over-the-hill actors with pretty young things and expecting the audience to believe it. From Bong Revilla and Iza Calzado plus Marian Rivera, to the gross sight of Jorge Estregan slobbering over a succession of young girls, to Vic Sotto and whoever that young actress was who played Faye, to even Kris Aquino getting with Dingdong Dantes, it's all a bit too much. How about you pair these people with actors and actresses their age? Or use actually young actors if the character is meant to be young? It didn't help that, in Asiong Salonga, Asiong's crew were all played by actually young actors. Being surrounded by them all the time made Jorge Estregan look even older. Why pander to the vanity of these stars, telling them they're really not that old, instead of catering to what the paying audience would like to see?
I read that the MMFF was started to breathe new life into local cinema, and apparently it did for a time. But now it seems to have been hijacked by washed-up old actors and actresses and repetitive fantasy franchises. Please, please, give it back to the movie people who started it all those years ago. If 2011's Cinemalaya winners (and the positive mainstream reaction to them) have shown us anything, it's that there is room for innovative, fresh story-telling in the country, that is both entertaining and intellectually challenging. Let's see films like this taking part in the MMFF. Because, my God, if we have to spend the next few years seeing more Enteng and Panday and Kris Aquino horror movies and whatever the hell else these film studios half-heartedly churn out, I may decide to finally bomb the MMFF parade of floats one day.
Tama na. Sobra na. Palitan na.
