Grand Total: 5 Minutes

That's how long it took me to vote.

I walked into the precinct (right next door to my house), in shorts and a t-shirt, no less, found my name on the list, did the thumbmark-here-sign-there routine and was given my ballot. Where was I told to write? Against a fucking wall, behind a blackboard. I didn't even get a folder for privacy, much less a frigging table. I picked out my nation's leaders up against a wall while people milled around me, counting stuff and asking each other what partylist to pick.

"Banat ba o Buhay?" asked one guy to his kasama. Ha. Just what we need: more ultra-conservatives in power. And what the hell is that bald plastic surgeon doing with a partylist group anyway? What marginalized sector does he represent? Oh and P.S. Mendez, I'm no Erap fan but those ads of yours were fucking annoying.

***

Oh and did I mention, I did all this without a voter's ID. That's right, it's three years after I registered and I still don't have a voter's ID. Ain't the Comelec grand?

***

Our precinct was a sight. All day we had a succession of vehicles blockading our house, people walking into the precinct dressed to kill, complete with sunglasses and over-large bags for women. Twangy, accented voices floated through the air demanding to know, in English, why their names weren't on the list.

Guess we're part of the 3.8 million middle to upper class voters huh?

Which is probably why my indelible ink is still on while people on TV have shown theirs coming off after a little alcohol application. We got the good stuff because, you see, we have lawyers. So we can make a big fuss if someone fiddles with our name or if we see something fishy with the ink. Meanwhile, I saw these poor sods on TV whose names weren't on the list even though they'd registered. What were they going to do? Nothing. You can't do anything.

Even during elections, the poor get screwed in the Philippines. Who says everyone's equal during elections? Lahat daw tayo pantay-pantay dahil tig-isa lang tayo ng boto? Ha! Pa'no yung mga hayop na sampung beses nang bumoto sa iba-ibang presinto? O yung mga nawala yung pangalan sa listahan? Does this happen in the "gated" subdivisions? Nope, it happens in Caloocan and Tondo, where the people really need the good leaders.

It was surreal seeing the elitist bozos from my subdivision participating in national affairs though. I'm usually used to shocking apathy from my social class.

***

I got a text message from someone I deeply respect urging me to vote for some anti-communist partylist group. Hehe. What is this, McCarthyist America? Sorry ma'm but I'm the last person to expect to vote for ultra-conservative Rightist groups.

And that's the problem with our politics: no defined Right and Left. Instead we have bozos with no platforms putting on song-and-dance routines to dazzle the masa. But the only difference between Administration and Opposition is whether their leader is president.

***

I voted for four senators, a congressman, a mayor and a partylist group. I wonder if there'll ever be a day when I trust enough people to fill out my entire ballot.

Don't worry, I didn't leave my blank spaces unmarked. I'm not stupid. I drew in enough lines in each blank space so that no one can try to write in some idiot candidate's name during the counting. If they're willing to shoot and kill to win, I wouldn't put something like writing in a voter's ballot past our cheating politicians and their goons.

***

I was explaining to one of the French guys at work why our elections are so screwed up. "It's our counting," I told him, "It's manually done." "But our counting is manual too," he told me. Oh. Okay. I guess we really suck then.

***

But let's talk about the candidates. 'Di ba bawal mag-endorse ng product yung mga kandidato? Then why is Vic Magsaysay endorsing Arthro? Hehehe.

***

Seriously Vic. Taralets as your campaign jingle? Batang Barangay? You haven't been a bata in like a hundred years. Act your age. It's creeping a bit.

***

Oh and someone tell me who the hell Sultan Jamalul Kiram is? Other than a transparent attempt by the Administration to secure the Muslim Vote. "Vote for us, we have one of your sultans on our slate." Pwede ba? And is he really a sultan? I'm all for more Muslim lawmakers but there's something fishy about this unknown guy turning up on Gloria's slate, the word "sultan" prominently displayed. Smells like a PR stunt. Sultan ng kapayapaan? Never heard of him.

***

And have you noticed, all the Adminsitration stooges who were trying to railroad charter change, which would have killed the Senate, are now trying to get into the Senate? That's enough reason not to vote for Zubiri, Defensor and that fool Pichay. "Pichay, itanim sa semento," one of my boys at the home I work in said. Oo nga. Oh and Mike, braces aren't cute on a thirty-something. Trust me.

***

So another election's come and gone. Will we have at least some change? God I hope so. What we're going to have a lot of for sure is cheating, and a lot of it before the counting's over. Hopefully after all that's done, we'll have a more capable and relatively Erap-free Opposition to stem President Bitch's abuses of power. God knows we can't kick her out; she's more tenacious than a tick on a dog.

Then maybe in three years, we can replace all of them with actually good leaders...

Ha. Right. That's going to happen. Insert eye-roll here.