You Look Like Hell

Really? Well it's been one of those weeks. Le'see...

This week I've...

... had to deal with my boys going drinking... again! Now I'm usually a big supporter of alcohol consumption. Except when it involves minors. Minors I'm responsible for, specifically. And, really, they didn't care. They only really reacted when I threatened serious action (as in I'm going to kick you the hell out). Thoughtless, remorseless little *&^%^$#! And I only used symbols because I don't want to actually cuss at my boys. Yet.

... had to deal with endless accounting bullshit. Gawd, I shifted to Social Work to avoid numbers, not immerse myself in them. This is not something a social worker should have to deal with. And while I'm taking care of all this center management crap, I'm not able to do any frickking social work! What the hell was I hired for, to manage the home or the boys?

... not had a whole day off... again! Come to think of it, I haven't had a whole day off in a couple of weeks. Just the half day off (or hours off, if you want to count) I get on Saturdays. Then it's back to work on Sundays. Yes people, I work frickking Sundays.

... had to file a blotter for my "favorite" (those quotation marks indicate sarcasm, in case you're super-dense) boy... again! Only to have him waltz in an hour later as if he didn't disappear a whole day. This is bullshit. You try and you try with some people and they just refuse your help. Then you end up being the bad guy. I'm starting to understand how my parents felt about me when I was a stupid, self-centered fucking teenager. Except my parents had to put up with me, being their flesh and blood, and I can kick this boy out of the home. God knows I'm super-tempted. As I said one time when I was extra-pissed, kung ginago ka nung bata ka, and you have issues, that's valid, and you have a right to be angry. Pero kung ngayon, ginagawa mong gago ang sarili mo at ayaw mong magpatulong, ayaw mong umusad ang buhay mo, that's your fucking fault.

...Well I didn't exactly phrase it that way, but that was the spirit of what I said.

... and oh yeah, I had my parents tell me to shave of my "Muslim" beard... again! Though I'll take that over my work crap anyday.

Jeezus. What the hell am I doing? I feel like a hundred years old and I'm not even twenty-five yet. My family has, between them, lived, worked and studied in more countries than I can count on all my fingers and toes. They each make in a month what I wouldn't be able to make in years working where I work.

And what am I doing? Telling grown teenagers to please, for God's sake, take a frickking bath, and justifying why I paid twenty pesos instead of fourteen for a tricycle ride, as if I'm sitting in my office thinking of ways to skim off a few pesos from a foundation. Please. My family is not poor. If I wanted money, I'd just ask my father for it.

I want to help people. That's the only reason I chose this profession. But if people don't want my help, then I'm just wasting my time, hindi ba?

I'm still young and pretty damn smart, and I can still do something for myself, instead of working with kids who don't give a shit. And my father's voice in my head telling me to leave this damn country and get a masters in some decadent Western city is getting louder everyday.