Go! Go! Go!

And go we did. And I'm feeling a bit angry and frustrated and guilty about it.

I'm technically still on my exchange. But it's also kind of over.

If you're in the Philippines, and you're not dead or living under a rock, then you know that all sorts of crap has been happening in Lanao del Norte, including in Iligan City, where my exchange has been based. Which inevitably meant that, as volunteers on an international exhange program, and especially since we have ten British citizens with us, we had to be evacuated.

I didn't think it would get that serious. We'd heard that bombs had gone off at a local mall, so I was expecting a temporary evacuation until things settled, but just that. I packed things for one week, as we'd been told, said my see-you-soons to my host family, and waited to be picked up. But as we got to Cagayan de Oro, and as we watched the MILF moving in on Iligan and nearby towns on the news, the possibility of not going back became more and more distinct.

Today we were told we would definitely not be going back.

I said yesterday that I was frustrated because I didn't get to say proper goodbyes and thank-yous to all the people, especially my host family and volunteer supervisors, who'd been so good to me during my time there. I also said I was angry, because I'd felt involved in peace-building, being at MSU-IIT, doing the work we'd been doing there, speaking to all these people who had actually been personally involved in the peace process and peace work, and I'd been happy when I first heard about the MOA, and to see all that deteriorate in the space of days was... I don't know. It made me just feel angry. I feel that I'd gotten so much out of being in Iligan, personally, and it deserved more than for me to just up and leave at the first sign of trouble.

If I'd known yesterday was going to be my last day at my host home, that last Thursday was going to be my last day at my volunteer placement, I would have done... something. More. I would at least have said proper good-byes.

I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about this. I usually don't feel much about anything in general. I don't know. Maybe being in another part of my own country, and learning how different and challenging life is for many there, plus all the learning I've gotten from being at MSU-IIT, has given me more of an emotional connection to the place than I expected.

Then there's the thought of tanks and armed men rumbling down the streets that I'd walked everyday, past people I'd interacted with regularly. It's easy to emotionally distance yourself from conflict when you're physically distant. When it's happening in a place you've lived in, to people you know, it feels different.

I was supposed to eventually get around to writing quirky posts on my time in Newham and Iligan, peppered with my usual cynicism and such. But I don't feel like that right now. Maybe I'll get to it eventually.

Right now I just feel bad. I'm still with the other volunteers, we still have two-and-a-half weeks left together. But in my mind, whatever we do here in Cagayan de Oro is just going to be for us. The volunteering bit is pretty much over.

I'm not angry with anyone in particular. I'm just angry with the situation.

But, I suppose, this is the country I live in. You'd think I'd have gotten used to it after almost seventeen years here.